blogPerhaps you’ve heard the news. My wife and I had a baby girl. Little Eleanor came into the world on June 27th at 11:38am. I promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those parents who always brags about their child’s every milestone: latching, holding her head up, scooting. Not just because it’s annoying for the person on the receiving end but because Eleanor is so shy about her accomplishments.

In fact, she might well have arrived the day previous, on Connor McDavid day but she waited, so as to not steal his thunder. If there were a modesty Olympics, she’d be a gold medalist. Of course, she’d give her medal to a less deserving baby; an uglier baby who would slobber all over herself on the podium.

She was born with hair. Not a strand or two, but a full head of thick, lustrous, shampoo-commercial hair. People would die for hair like this. If I’m not mistaken, that’s how Paul Mitchell got his name on the bottle.

Eleanor hates her car seat — probably because she hates the idea of being confined and in the event of a crash it would be harder for her to save us all. Not impossible or even difficult. Just harder.

She tolerates diapers but only because being potty trained 48 hours after birth would seem like she’s showing off. On the rare occasion she does poop, it comes out like a tiny rosette piped by the world’s finest chocolatier. While she finds the illusion somewhat degrading, she shows absolutely no signs of embarrassment outwardly when she does soil herself — probably because she’s also an amazing actress.

Eleanor is also very musical. She doesn’t care much for the music of others because it pales in comparison to her own. She keeps up appearances though because she appreciates how important it is for her to keep everyone else inspired.

She won’t need school, but I suppose she’ll go — for the good of the other children. Who are we to deprive your children off the opportunity to bask in the warm glow of her quiet genius.

You probably think all this is just typical new parent bragging. If anything though, I’ve managed to downplay her greatness. Did I also mentions she’s great at downplaying things?